Waiting.

Something that I find extremely frustrating is mastering the art of patience.

They say 'patience is a virtue' but I want to be there yesterday. Not tomorrow. We live in a society where a take-away pizza will get to your door before the police, you can have a hot meal on your plate in 5 minutes with the aid of a microwave. Where it's easier to contact people with the aid of social networking sites such as facebook (still not on it for lent and feel completely out of touch with the world!), mobile phones with apps like BBM or ping than it is to you know, actually meet in person. I've realised how hard it is to remain anonymous in such a society. I'm not actually sure I like it. Hmmm...

The first part of this post has been saved in drafts for a while and I remembered it today when I was in a seminar earlier on. It was a seminar on a director/theatre 'composer' called Robert Wilson. I won't bore you with all the biographical information about his life and works and blah blah blah (although, as a drama student, I generally found it all very interesting) He liked to create very long productions, concentrating mostly on the idea of theatricality, not a representation of anything, but of creativity. His works were choreographed precisely, and would often include pauses. Long pauses. One of his plays in particular starts with a half an hour freeze frame of a woman with her two children. Motionless. She then pours them a glass of milk and stabs them. Interesting to say the least. In an interview with him that we watched in the lecture, he was of the opinion that these long pauses were there for audiences to reflect. This caused some controversy amongst some people in my seminar group. In particular, one member of the group argued that she didn't like to be told when to reflect, and preferred the theatre to be a place where she could escape. In some ways I think she was probably right, but her reasoning was 'I don't want to sit there and think about how crap my life is.' In no place did he say 'I'm going to torture you by making you sit and think about your terrible, terrible life.' But that got me thinking (oh dear)

Life is busy. Often too busy to reflect on stuff. I know how difficult I find it to stay in silence in one place for too long without having something to do to busy myself, by finding some music to listen to, something to watch on youtube or occasionally doing some uni work! Every little thing makes us really busy, and I'm guessing Wilson wanted to create a space where people could just; be, thinking about life, pondering things that they wouldn't usually in everyday life.
How often are our lives sooo consumed with business that we forget what it's like to...be?
Are we actually a little bit scared of being alone somewhere with just our thoughts for company?

I called this post 'Waiting.', and before I went off in an entirely different direction I was talking about patience. Often all we are concerned about is living in the now, consumerism, what's 'in style' what's 'the latest gossip' our latest love interest. Thinking about the 'not yet' goes as far as panicking about our personal future, about what kind of career we will have, getting a foot on the property ladder etc. etc. etc. Don't get me wrong, by blogging this, in NOO way am I saying it's wrong to be thinking of all these things, I just think mastering patience is important when it comes to the future, because before we know it, we're sitting in a rocking chair in a nursing home looking back on our lives wondering what the hell we were worrying about.

It's all going to be just fine. Life will throw some rubbish at us occasionally, but you should never let it stop you achieving all you can :)

Lent..

Tomorrow is 'Pancake day', which not only means eating an excessive amount of fried batter filled with gorgeousness such as nutella (a fave in our kitchen at uni),but it also marks the start of Lent. 40 days before Easter, symbolising the time that Jesus was fasting in the wilderness. Lots of people like to give up stuff at this time, and I've only ever really taken it seriously a few times. A couple of years ago, I managed to give up facebook, but this was before many people were on it, so there really wasn't much point..the year after that, I gave up meat, but I guess that was more of an attention seeking thing from the parents, as my mum did most of the cooking so that meant she'd have to do something special for me. It didn't work out like this, as I had to do all of my own cooking, bad times.
This year, I'm definitely going to give up facebook again. I'm going on a facebook fast. That way it sounds super holy (?) I know that it will be a challenge (probably more of a challenge than giving up chocolate!) it's an addiction. No one cares about my updates or what I've done with my day, or how many words of an assignment that I'm clearly NOT doing whilst refreshing my homepage every 5 seconds, or what random stuff i've found to photograph on my phone. But somehow, when I write an update, I think maybe someone will need to know this vital piece of information. They don't.

A friend of mine said that she was also going to give it up for lent, except for on Sundays, because it's the day of rest... I argued that Jesus didn't check into the local travel inn, kick off his sandals and order a room service buffet cart, just because it was a Sunday. If Jesus had facebook and updated his status, I'm sure they'd be a bit more interesting such as 'Jesus Christ; Today, I raised a man from the dead, healed a blind man, walked on water and preached on top of a mount. Man, I'm beat' 10million likes. Much better than the standard 'I am angry at the world and I want you all to know that I am angry with the world and make you angry too.. grrrrrrrrr' Yep.
So. I'm giving it up for a while, maybe I'll go on it on Sunday 10th April, that dreaded day I turn 20 *eek*...but apart from that, no.



Beth x

tired.

It has definitely been a tiring week/couple of weeks.

I find it strange how when you're tired, time seems to go so much slower, or everything seems like sooo much effort. All you can think about is the next time your head is going to hit the pillow and you can close your eyes and drift off. And when you finally get into your bed, snuggled under the duvet, eyelids heavy, breathing slows, you start having those 'am I awake, or am I asleep?' kind of dreams...you slowly start to drift off and *BANG*, *CRASH*, laughter, running down the corridor... -sigh- never mind, this is student life...where you soon discover that sleep is for the weak anyway..

I DO NOT LIKE

Writing essays, especially when everyone else has a 'reading week' and gets to go home/doss around uni...2 assignments in for 28th.

Yeah, if I post any blogs, feel free to kick me.

Peace x

University, the wilderness years?

Again, I am so very sorry, long time, no blog. What can you do?

Anyway, right now I'm taking a break from staring at the walls, also known as essay planning and thought I'd give a bit of an update to whoever is interested/any stalkers out there in the land of the internet.

So...University. Well, I've been here for about 5 months now. Weird. It has definitely been, what some may say as a bit of an 'emotional rollercoaster' (vom.com/verycheesycoinedtogetherphrasethatissometimesquiteaptinthiscasemaybe). I've very much enjoyed this new insight into the ever so scary world of adult independence, and i think it's safe to say that I've met some marvellous people, friends for life, I'd like to think. However, I think that the biggest step for me was taking this leap of faith without the help of my Christian family back home physically being there as my guide. I know that they have been there in spirit through prayer, and that is all I can ask for, really.

I think that the greatest thing that I have learnt so far at university hasn't been the pool of information I've had to spout out in essays, but the fact that God's love and Grace are constant. No matter how many stupid things I may get up to, He'll never stop loving me. No matter how many times I fall, no matter how many times I want to turn away from it all, do my own thing, He'll NEVER leave my side. He's for me. It hasn't been the easiest thing to do, to move away from the people I love, to a strange new city, trying to establish myself as a person with strange new people. Finding a church. Adapting to student lifestyle, having to fend for myself, sort out my own study and finances and fit in a social life on top of that- though how people can drink so much they get pareltic and fall into the beds of random people is beyond me...each to their own, I suppose. It's time of enrichment which will mould the rest of my days, and I'm so thankful for God's relentless love throughout this whole period in my life. It's only 3 years, but I want it to be a 3 years that i'll never forget that the favour of God was with me.

Would I say that University will be my wilderness years? In some ways, maybe yes, as I take my shaky steps onto the tightrope of the adult world, but I know that when I fall, God will be the harness that will protect me from harm, dust me down and bring me back up again.

Beth x

Persevering for perfection.

I read this earlier.

'Don't be afraid to say 'I need help' or 'I made a mistake' or 'I'm sorry.' Never pretend to be perfect.'





So I won't.

I need help, I've made many a mistake, and for that, I'm sorry.

I can't pretend to be perfect, because I'm far from it. I'm constantly reminded of my faults, and for those who point them out, I can only thank you, because really, I would have forgotten about them if you hadn't have been the one to remind me.


I'm not perfect, but I'm trying every day to be better.
I need help, because I can't do this on my own. This diamond needs someone to mine her.
I make mistakes, daily. We fall down, but we get up...
I'm sorry, I'm not who you'd like me to be. I can tell you this for sure, I'm not who I want to be either. I'm sorry that I've hurt you, done stupid things, and I wasn't there when you needed me. I'm sorry to be a disappointment. I'm sorry I'm not doing the things you think I should be doing, and that I do the things you think I shouldn't be doing. I'm sorry I can be harsh with my tongue. I'm sorry that I can't read your mind. I wish I could sometimes.

I'm sorry you had to read this.

Random Post...

At the moment, I have no idea what I want to write about, so expect some streams of consciousness in this one.

I've just got back from having coffee with a friend, which was really lovely.I have a lot of respect for her as a woman, a mother, and as a Christian. I think it's nice to spend time with people like that.

We briefly spoke about marriage, because I was thinking about entering my 20s (EEK!) and a lot happens in your 20s... I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married. I didn't tell her, but secretly I know what kind of dress I want, the kind of ceremony it'll be and the kind of reception I'd have. I do think of these things, but I don't know.. if some idiot decides he wants to marry me...then who knows? I do have my little list of characteristics of what I'd like him to be like as well.. but shh don't tell anyone (as if posting this blog on the internet wasn't broadcasting it enough!!) It's not as if I'm in any rush to marry Prince Charming right now. I'm in the twilight of my teens, I'm at uni and it's not particularly perfect timing right now. At the same time, it would be nice to have some decent attention. I've had some not very nice 'secret relationships' in the past, and it's taken me a while to get over those. I suppose you could argue that I'm damaged goods, but I'm really not. I'm restored, redeemed sanctified and clean, thank you, Lord! (sounds like a song lyric *writes down*)
Now, I'm not writing this as a desperate spinster (ergh, that word!) ohhh woe is me, I'm single! or as COME AND GET ME BOYSSS! Nah, If a nice gentleman crosses my path and shows some interest, that will be lovely. I'm just not going to go out looking giving people a false impression of myself, there's no point in that. People can take me as I am.

Even if I don't get married, I'd like children. Rainbow babies-Not by lots of being naughty with rainbow men, but adopting. If I don't have the chance to conceive naturally, I'd like to be a mummy to other children who's own mummies are out of the picture. Even if I do have children, I would still like to either foster or adopt. Either way, I don't think I could cope without kids in my life. However, watching 'One Born Every Minute' on C4 has sort of put me off childbirth, not going to lie to you. Right now, though, I'm in no financial position to get married/have kids anyway, plus I'm don't graduate 'till I'm 22/23 anyway.

I told you this was going to be random... I'm procrastinating again. I'm meant to be packing to go back to university. Not quiiiite sure how I feel about it at the moment. It's not like last time where I had to establish myself and make friends, but it's the whole 'leaving people behind' thing again. What if people forget about me? Sad times. I never forget a person I meet, especially if they've made an impression on my life. I'm completely rubbish with names though... working on the whole memory thing..

The house is a bit weird at the moment. Something's up with my brother and he's being secretive about it all (any praying folk please lift him up, he's not a Christian, but it would be nice to know he has support) and the washing machine/dishwasher has broken so there's water everywhere ('Water water everywhere, yet not a drop to drink' Grrr Ancient Mariner!)Nightmare! I don't know whether to take it as a sign that I should stay, or go back... hmm, either way, dad's driving me back tomorrow-though with my stupidly small amount of contact time, and it only being about 2 hours away by train, I should just commute, but i do pay almost £5,000 for my lush room, plus I'd miss my friends. URGH, I'm torn. I'm going back, whether I like it or not. I know I will, so it's OK.

Right, I'm going to stop there, lots to be done... I don't even know if anyone reads my blog, it's just an output really... whoever does read this, I love you :)

Beth x